When I first started seeing a mental health professional, I had no clue what I was doing. I only knew that I had reached a point where I couldn’t do it alone. All I knew about therapy I had seen in movies – a person lying on a couch talking to a person scribbling down notes. I was a rookie. In the ten years since my initial diagnosis, I have learned a lot through experience about the different options and how to best take advantage of them. The following are some things to consider when looking for a therapist or counselor, for anyone else who may be a rookie.
It is critical that you feel comfortable with this person. A therapist is not just a person who will listen to your problems (although they will do this if that is what you are looking for). You are really looking for someone to join your treatment team. You will be working together on how to best get you the treatment you need. If you do not feel comfortable with this person, it will be hard to work together as teammates. After the first few visits, if you don’t feel at ease with them for any reason (such as having incompatible personalities or disliking their communication style), then try someone else. Find someone who will be a good addition to your team instead. You need to feel confident in their approach. Do not continue to see the same person if there may be other people out there who could be a better fit for you. And don’t worry about hurting their feelings; not everyone makes a good match for you, and most therapists are happy to refer you to one of their colleagues if things are not working out.
Be open and honest. Anything you say during a session is kept confidential. Remember that your counselor can only know what you tell them. Their degree does not give them psychic abilities. If you neglect to disclose how you’re truly feeling, or leave some things unsaid, they will have no way of knowing what is really going on with you. Therefore, they will not have enough information to be the best help to you that they can. This is another reason why your counselor should be someone that you get along with, so that you feel comfortable enough to speak your truth. They need to be someone that you can trust. Some thoughts may be hard to say out loud on your own, let alone with another person in the room. Still, not a lot can be done to help you without you verbalizing them. Being able to verbalize these thoughts may take time and practice, but your therapist can help you with this – that is what they are there for.
Remember that you’re in control. There are many different kinds of therapy out there – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Psychodynamic therapy, Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PE), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – just to name a few. Therapists will usually specialize in one or two styles, but many are able to use more than one. Your therapist will probably start out using the approach they find to be the most effective in their experience, but the choice is actually yours. So you should ask them not only what their preferred style of therapy is, but also to explain how it works and why. Ask them what other options are available to you and how they work, too. Try one, and if you feel like you aren’t getting enough out of it, ask to try something else. If you have a strong relationship with your therapist, keep trying different styles until you find one that does feel helpful. This whole process is about treating YOU; you are the captain of this ship – not a passenger. You do not have to go along with whatever your therapist decides, so do not be afraid to ask for something different. Therapy is a very individualized treatment – what works for someone else may not work for you. The important thing is to find what does work best for you. If your therapist is unable or unwilling to find a type of therapy that works for you, it’s time to change therapists.
Be an active participant. You will only get something out of therapy if you are putting something into it. Therapy isn’t something that happens to you, it is something you participate in. Keep an open mind to new ideas that your therapist may suggest, even if you don’t think you will like them. It may take time to figure out what works best, and it may also surprise you. In fact, it is likely that what ends up being the most helpful for you is something you’ve never thought to try before. If you had, you would already be doing it! However, once you do find what works for you, commit and give it some time to start working for you. Trust the process. Going to therapy is like going to the gym – you might not want to go every time, but afterwards you’re always happy that you did. Therapy is hard work – you are training your brain to think differently just like training your muscles to work differently at the gym. After intentionally practicing new ways of thinking for a while, you will start to see gains, too.
Prioritize your time and energy. It’s a good idea to think about what you want to get out of therapy at the start and set some goals with your therapist. The goal can be as simple as “to not feel this way anymore” or “to find out why I feel this way,” but it creates a more productive space if you know why you’re there. That way the time and energy you invest into going to therapy will be well spent. Over time, you can work with your therapist on some more specific goals as you continue working with them.
Getting treatment for my mental illness was the hardest thing I’ve ever done – but it was so worth it. Therapy, in part, saved my life and taught me the skills I needed to go on living. It might feel worse before it gets better, but it does get better. And choosing to get treatment means you are choosing to try and live a life that is better.
Originally published:
Southwestern WI Network of Care site, February 4, 2020 with an accompanying “Good Questions to Ask Your Therapist” printable to take with you to your first appointment