I am 10 years into my second chance at life. Recovery is a journey, not a destination, and it is one that I will be pursuing the rest of my years. I tried to take my own life in July of 2014. Here I am in July of 2024, able to see so much beauty in life with a full heart and immense gratitude.
Being a suicide attempt survivor doesn’t mean I had suicidal thoughts a long time ago, but I don’t have thoughts like that anymore. Being a survivor means I still have those thoughts, and I’m committed to living life no matter how painful it can be. It means I’ve developed the skills I need to cope and survive; it means I do the work every day to stay alive and stay present in the moment; it means I’ve built a support network that I can lean on when things get difficult. The fact that I am celebrating 10 years since my suicide attempt is a testament to myself for having built a life worth living.
Beyond that, I’ve also seen my transition from merely surviving to actively thriving. Back then, I used nearly all my energy to just survive the moment. And I survived every moment, one day at a time. I recognize this as an amazing accomplishment in myself and others like me. Now, with all those years of practice behind me, and still a lifetime more of practice ahead, I have the energy to do so much more than survive. I have energy to plan and visualize a future for myself, something that wasn’t possible even 5 years ago. Perhaps most importantly, that future includes inspiring hope in others by showing that recovery is possible.
Lately, I’ve been noticing these beautiful flowers that I’d never seen before. And then I wonder, is it really that I’ve never seen them before, or were they always there and my heart was not open to their beauty? Had I locked something away that closed me off to so many beautiful things around me? The part of me that could only notice the pain and the darkness, that I’ve always felt was unlovable, that tried to end the suffering 10 years ago, she is still and always will be a part of me. I’m celebrating 10 years not just because I want to celebrate life (which I try and do each and every day), but because learning to embrace and love that part of myself has opened my life up to so much more than I ever realized was possible.
Today, I will sit with past Hannah and hug her, and maybe catch a sunset with so many colors that I can now see and take in. I’m so proud of her resilience these past 10 years.
