Check out some of my proudest life achievements and my reflections on those milestones below.
Celebrating 10 Years since My Suicide Attempt – July 2024
I am 10 years into my second chance at life. Recovery is a journey, not a destination, and it is one that I will be pursuing the rest of my years. I tried to take my own life in July of 2014. Here I am in July of 2024, able to see so much beauty in life with a full heart and immense gratitude.
Being a suicide attempt survivor doesn’t mean I had suicidal thoughts a long time ago, but I don’t have thoughts like that anymore. Being a survivor means I still have those thoughts, and I’m committed to living life no matter how painful it can be. It means I’ve developed the skills I need to cope and survive; it means I do the work every day to stay alive and stay present in the moment; it means I’ve built a support network that I can lean on when things get difficult. The fact that I am celebrating 10 years since my suicide attempt is a testament to myself for having built a life worth living.
Beyond that, I’ve also seen my transition from merely surviving to actively thriving. Back then, I used nearly all my energy to just survive the moment. And I survived every moment, one day at a time. I recognize this as an amazing accomplishment in myself and others like me. Now, with all those years of practice behind me, and still a lifetime more of practice ahead, I have the energy to do so much more than survive. I have energy to plan and visualize a future for myself, something that wasn’t possible even 5 years ago. Perhaps most importantly, that future includes inspiring hope in others by showing that recovery is possible.
Lately, I’ve been noticing these beautiful flowers that I’d never seen before. And then I wonder, is it really that I’ve never seen them before, or were they always there and my heart was not open to their beauty? Had I locked something away that closed me off to so many beautiful things around me? The part of me that could only notice the pain and the darkness, that I’ve always felt was unlovable, that tried to end the suffering 10 years ago, she is still and always will be a part of me. I’m celebrating 10 years not just because I want to celebrate life (which I try and do each and every day), but because learning to embrace and love that part of myself has opened my life up to so much more than I ever realized was possible.
Today, I will sit with past Hannah and hug her, and maybe catch a sunset with so many colors that I can now see and take in. I’m so proud of her resilience these past 10 years.
Celebrating 5 Years since My Suicide Attempt – August 2019
This August, its been 5 years since I tried to kill myself. This month has been a period of reflection for me- it’s pretty crazy to think back to where your life was at only 5 years ago and realize that you wouldn’t have believed you’d still be alive at this point. My life was directionless then, how could I know what my purpose could be when I didn’t even want to exist?
Sometimes I wonder if it’s the pills that are keeping me alive. But the truth is I’ve grown a lot as a person in the years since. Recovery is a journey (as I often remind myself) and it takes you places you never thought you would go. Deeply vulnerable places- places where I’ve had to recognize the harm that I have caused others, but also places of strength- places where I learn to forgive myself and use what I’ve learned to be a better, more whole, person going forward. It turns out that it is actually ME that is keeping me alive- because I want to be alive, I have the skills now to stay here, and I have a sense of purpose on which I can start to build a future. (The meds helped make this possible though- ain’t no shame in the medicine game friends.)
Last night, I decided to celebrate life and survival on this five year anniversary. I think five years is quite the accomplishment! And while I try to be grateful for life every day, some days it’s nice to celebrate life in all its beauty. Doughnuts and sunsets on the lake, with a little spontaneous dusk swimming- reminding myself of the small things in life that make it worth living. I was joined by a friend who was celebrating ten years, and we talked about what we would tell our past selves all those years ago. I said that I would tell past Hannah that it really does get better- that there is always the possibility of a future with out this pain, but you have to keep living to see it.
In all the years since, I almost never wear shorts. I used to have pretty obvious self-harm scars on my legs, and as they faded I realized if I kept my legs pasty white, I couldn’t see them all the time and it was like it never happened. But celebrating life yesterday, it seemed like the appropriate time to start wearing shorts again- because all of it did happen, and it has helped shape who I am today.
Isn’t life wonderful?
Celebrating 5 Years of Sobriety – October 2020
As of October 15th, I am five years sober. When I first decided to stop drinking alcohol, it wasn’t the kind of thing I thought I would ever celebrate. Back then, I probably wasn’t sure if I would still be alive in 5 years, let alone still sober. And yet here we are.
Now that I’m still here, five years later, I think it is something worth celebrating. It’s definitely something to be proud of. To celebrate, I took a road trip with my sister at the end of October to see the fall colors. Fall has always been a reminder to me of how beautiful the world is, and how lucky we are to be living in it. Breathing in all the scents of autumn, and seeing magnificent colors in every direction, I felt myself falling in love with the world. Fall gives me hope because it is a reminder to me that we are also what we have lost. And even when we lose everything, it does not mean that we can’t be reborn again, and start over.
With everything awful going on that’s totally outside our control, it felt strange to fall in love with the world, but also important to celebrate the small things that are within our control. So here I am, five years later, and still choosing to maintain my sobriety. I know that life is precious and worth living, and staying sober is a sign of my commitment to keep living.
Special shoutout to Rachel, Aimee, and Taylor for their unquestioning support which has given me the strength to continue on this path.
