There’s this quote by Franz Kafka that has always resonated with me – “what am I doing here in this endless winter?” Kafka possibly struggled with depression for most of his life, like me, which is something reflected in a lot of his writings. I think “Endless Winter” is a powerful metaphor for the experience of depression.
I live with depression year-round, but winters are always hard for me. This winter has been one of my hardest, filled with some of my lowest points in years. The darkness feels endless, and I confess I no longer believe it is just winter that has me in this place. There’s been a lot going on. And I have desperately needed to ask myself, what am I doing here in this endless winter? Yet I haven’t had the energy or motivation to question my lack of interest or inactivity.
The reason I appreciate this quote so much is because it is a question. When I’m stuck in a depressive episode, it is just too easy to lay in it and do nothing. There’s a comfort to it, a familiarity that I have known for many years of my life. There’s a safeness to my misery; I’m not making any moves that might result in more pain than I’m already experiencing. I’m taking 2-3 hour naps after work to make the time pass by quicker, so I don’t have to be present in the darkness that my life has become. It is when I am in this place that it becomes critical to ask myself, what am I doing? I’ve spent years developing a support network and learning skills to help keep me safe and well, and I’m not utilizing them. I’m noticing the decisions I make only worsen my mood and perpetuate the depression. I know I need to give myself some grace and, at the same time, also resist the self-fulfilling nature of depression.
To what extent do I create my own suffering? The darkness is overwhelming and feels so heavy. And then I don’t drink water, skip meals, spend too much time in bed, ignore messages from my support network; I stop taking care of myself. The darkness is something that I cannot control and will always be a part of my life. The others are the choices I made that only served to exaggerate my suffering. What am I doing? I know better.
Above all else, I must be kind to myself. How we talk to ourselves matters. I also need to question my depression brain. If I do nothing, the winter may be endless. But if I go back to basics and start taking care of myself again, the winter can stay where it belongs – in the winter months. I need to reach out to my support network, even though asking for help is hard. I know I can do hard things, because of all that I’ve survived this far. I need to drink water, and I need to eat meals. I need to do laundry, and I need to sweep. I need to challenge myself: can I just do one small thing? Or half of a thing? Doing something half-assed is better than doing nothing at all.
What am I doing in here in this endless winter? I persist – one foot in front of the other, as the days get lighter for longer, one day at a time. I try my best to make choices that will not make the darkness any heavier. And as I continue onward, I hope that I will soon see that there is an end to this winter after all.
